Friday, May 6, 2011

Letter From A Reader

Published with permission.  I got this email a few weeks ago.  The reader didn't want it published till the semester was almost over. I told you my advice generally sucks so I’m gonna let you guys give advice on this.

I’m a long time reader and your typical closet case.  I’m 99% sure I’m gay but have never done anything with a guy.  I went with a group of friends to the Caribbean for spring break (amazing time).  One day we drove to a pretty cool nude beach to check it out.  I’m pretty tight with my friends but we don’t really see each other naked.  At school we have shower stalls in the dorms.  We see each other in our boxers all the time but not bare.  We went to the beach and at first we all just looked around keeping our clothes on.  After awhile one guy took his suit off and within a couple minutes we all followed suit.  It was like we didn’t even notice it. We walked around, went in the ocean, talked to people (even girls), played volleyball, all totally naked. That night we talked about it and all agreed it was easy stripping down where we knew no one would know us. I’ve never really had big sexual fantasies about my friends before, but now that I’ve seen them naked there’s a couple guys I think about a lot more often.  I jerk off whenever I can thinking about it. But when we got back at school things got back to normal.  I’m not sure what to do. I think about it all the time and it’s hard to control my feelings.  Do you have any suggestions on what to do?


  1. Find a nudist resort nude beach and arrange for a time to go there. Then tell one or two buds that you had such a good time over spring break that you were going to do it again and invite them to join you. If they do not, go alone so you can later tell them how awesome the time was. It is a shame that we have done away with gang showers which made us all realize how natural nudity is!

  2. Best thing is not to make such a big deal out of it. Do as the person above suggested or maybe create situations where you are naked more often with your buddies. If you have your own room make that a place where you go naked all the time, tell your buddies that you enjoyed being naked so much that when you are alone in your room you like to be naked too and then invite them over for coffee or something. Make nakedness the norm and invite them to join you naked when they come over to visit or study. when i was a student i used to study naked a lot.

  3. There's one thing that I am certain of. There are other young gay man on your campus. There just may be a club. You can check out cl to see if any of those other students are posting and looking for someone. If your friends, that you saw nude are straight, I would not make a move on them. You don't want to ruin something that is good. You could try the nude beach as suggested above, but be careful. Most important, practice very safe sex. Also, be assured, your time will come when you do meet someone and it will be wonderful. There is a big difference in having sex with someone and getting off, than having sex with someone that you like and admire. That's the better sex of the two.
    Concentrate on your studies. Work to get good grades and get as much education as you can!!
    Maybe, when you go on summer break, you will meet someone. There's someone out there. I would also stay within your age limit. Have a wonderful life and make a nice day for someone.
    P.S. Go and workout at the weight room. Don't life weights to make yourself bigger. Lift weights to tone your body, which means, lighter weights and more reps. You will see a much leaner and meaner you. Lean guys get around much better in bed than the buffed up ones. If I may add, I think that you are very special!!
    Be good to yourself, and be safe.
    P.P.S. When you use a condom, latex. Do not use vaseline, it breaks down the latex and makes it useless. You have to use a water soluble jell on a latex condom. If you get nervous, don't worry about it. Everybody gets that way. I'll think of something else later. Have fun!!

  4. No advice, but wanted to say that the pic with this post is wicked hot!

  5. My advice is not to try to hook up with either guy that you liked their is better to remain friends. There is plenty of time for romance after college, and if you still want these guys to remain buddies, you should leave any next move to them. A friend is better than an enemy in college.

  6. Well, that's what happened with me and my friend in highschool, I told him, he said no, we are still best friends, it all depends on the people. If you are okay with yourself, and they are okay with gay. It should be alright. Just dont try and rape them

  7. When I wrote the first comment here, I neglected to add that you should emphasize the nudity and NOT the sex. If they are comfortable around you nude, it may or may not lead to anything else but it gives you nice memories for later. A good friend is harder to find than a fuck buddy. Don't lose one for the other. If you enjoy your nude time and it leads to something else, be sure that all understand what is happening and expected!

  8. I agree with some of the others. I wouldn't attempt a hookup with one of your friends unless you know for sure they are gay. But you risk losing a good friendship.

    But in college campuses, there are sure to be plenty opportunities to meet young gay guys in clubs and other activities; This your time; you are free to explore your sexuality, whatever it may be.

  9. Just stick with jerking off to the fantasy of your buds. unless you wanna lose them as a friend it isnt worth taking the risk unless you know for sure that some of them are open to doing more. Boyfriends or casual fucks are a dime a dozen but a good friend is hard to come by

  10. First of all. Yes! I love the nude beach for that reason! It feels so natural. It's the most amazing thing being naked with people and it's no big deal. I agree with everyone above who said to create more spaces where you can be nude. It's the most freeing thing ever.

    Ok, now to the question. This is a tough one. From the sound of it, I suspect you are referring to straight friends, and you don't want to ruin your friendship. On the other hand, I've been with two guys in my life, and both I remained great friends with after the deed. So, it is possible. We are guys, after all, and can separate sex and that need of commitment.

    This is somewhat like any other situation where friends can have benefits. You certainly can't move too fast, especially if you don't want to be outed. But, you can create opportunities where you and other guys can become more comfortable with one another.

    Also, like any dating/hookup situation, it's usually best to not focus on any one or two people. Go out and focus on "guys", not "a guy". Experience and experimentation are always a good thing. Just make sure to be safe.

  11. Hi can you post those pics on your sidebar? They're too small. Thanks.

  12. I love your advice BJ!

    I red all of your comments in other posts but this one really struck home. Thanks for offerinf sound advice to our young pup here. I appreciate hearing the great advice everyone has offered this young man.

    Keep up the great work everyone,

  13. Hi Joe,
    He's a kid. Gotta protect the kids. They are just finding their way. I also know that they are young men. They walk, talk, dress, and act like adults, but they're still kids.
    There is something else. I was told this years ago. If a guy looks at you below your waist, he is probably cruising you. It has been said, that straight guys don't look below the waist.
    Also, the nude beach. The one who suggested going to the beach, was that the same guy who took his clothes off first, or was it someone else. I would think that the one who took his clothes off first, has been to a nude beach before. This is just a thought. Someone brought up the beach for a reason. More than likely to see nude girls. The following sentence is meant to be funny. I would also think, that the guy who took his clothes off first, has some leadership skills, or a very high testosterone level.
    You could mention to a couple of your friends that visiting another nude beach could be fun. See what happens.
    If there is a theater group on your campus, you may want to get involved with that. You may want to get involved with student senate, or do some volunteer work to meet more people. You could also tutor, depending on your grades.
    If you go out to a party, know what you are drinking. Don't put your drink down and then come back to it. You don't know what someone may put in the drink.
    Like yourself. If you feel that there is something that you are having trouble handling, see a counselor at the college. They must keep your information private!
    I'll repeat myself here. Like yourself. Remember this, you are a very important person!!
    There's a lot of people out there who want to be on your side. You are not alone.
    Have a wonderful day and make a nice day for someone.
    Be safe,
    P.S. I'm certain that you do this, tell your parents that you love them.

  14. Hey,
    So it sounds to me like you've had a proper sexual awakening. I might be wrong but it also sounds like you don't particualarly have strong emotional feelings for any one individual of your mates, which is handy... I'd suggest stocking these memories in the wank bank and nip off and have some real 'hands on' experience as it were. Keep your friends, do not try and recreate it though as a) it won't live up to your expectations and b) your friends might think it off if your all gung ho to get them naked again, especially if/when you come out.
    I'd also suggest coming out to someone you can talk to (not about this - don't lead your coming out with "so I was checking you guys out at the nudie beach and thought, hey I wanna suck *that*") but if you have someone you know, and don't have a crush on, and you can talk to, and who'll be.a good wing man, your life will be immeasureably better...

  15. My first comment would be to stop associating nudity with sex. In our society, this happens far too often and it will cause you a lot of issues down the line. The author of the letter, like most of the people in the US, don't get to see very many people nude. We all need to see others nude, it is psychologically calming to everyone. Being used to seeing others nude removes that feeling of isolation that so many people feel.

    The first step here would be for the author to get used to his own nudity. Go to nude beaches, etc. The next step would be to get used to OTHER'S nudity. I would not do either step 1 or 2 with friends. Why? Nudity is already hypersexualized in his mind. He needs to get past this step.

    At the same time he is coming to grips with his nudity, he should also start exploring his sexuality WITHOUT his friends. The author of the letter needs to get a better handle on what GAY means. It doesn't mean having sex with someone of the same gender. It means falling in love with someone of the same gender. Anyone can have sex with anyone for the sheer point of the pleasure. Go to gay bars. Go to LGBT meetings on campus. He needs to immerse himself in GAY while realizing it is less than 5% of who he is. While informing his decisions, being gay is NOT a lifestyle or stereotype.

    A rather obvious friend of mine once said to me, "You aren't comfortable being gay. You know why? You aren't comfortable around me. People know I am gay by the way I act; but you can hide it. People think you are gay just because you are with me." That was a real eye opener to how comfortable I was with myself.

    We need to stop feeling so self-conscious.

  16. This young man is a college student. He is surrounded by other students who are in the process of growing up. They are trying to find their identity. They went to the beach as a group in a foreign country. They would not have done that as an individual act. His mind is not ready for loving someone long term. Not yet. He is still in the wonderful stage of life of having crushes, like we all had. He won't know the love stage for a couple of more years, and he shouldn't. This is his time for learning about society and his educational choices, and himself. Kids his age are acting on high octane hormones. By the time he could spell the word erection, he would have a boner!
    I do agree, that if he came out to his friends, one of them could say, he's looking at our dicks. Don't think for a moment that his friends didn't check everyone out. It's normal. Why do you think guys look, and then look away in shower rooms when they are noticed looking. I have read that happening here, many times. Scott, takes a peak and I am sure that he would like to linger like a December snow storm. It's normal. It's Human sexuality. Curiosity.
    The best thing that can happen to him is, that he finds some trusted friends. The one thing that I will say to him is, there are many kids on his campus who are gay. There are more and more gay kids going to college, and that is beautiful. Let them be trailblazer.
    Another thing that I thought of today, to share with him. There are doctors who are gay, policeman, soldiers, state troopers, officers in the military, lawyers, actors, truck drivers, guys who dig ditches are gay, waiters, baseball players and football players, hockey players. It goes on and on. There are gay people in EVERY SEGMENT of societies around the world.
    If he reads, he will learn. He should get as much education as he can. If he does that, he will write his own ticket in life.
    If he should read this. He may want to check out some online newspapers which he can learn from.
    I don't make any money or anything from those sites. They have something to offer. I remember one of them, I think did some articles on athletes coming out on campus. In his case, I would not recommend it. Not yet. His concern is, he is attracted to some of the guys that he saw in the nude. I bet that he has damn good taste, too.
    Be safe young man, be smart, be learned. Challenge yourself. Study. Like yourself even in the eyes of adversity. Let the breeze not only touch your body. Let it touch your mind, too.

  17. This is for Scott.
    I don't mind having input when it comes to something that is as important when youth is concerned. What I do have a problem with is, if this is not real, but a question to get a response. If that is so. Say so. I don't mind it, because, if it helps a young person, then I am glad to help. Just don't mislead your readers.
    You posed this question to your readers. You did not have an opinion of your own. You are not a stupid man. I now wonder, if you did have input to this kids question, would you be liable for you reply? Sorry to put it to you bud, but I don't like being screwed without being kissed. That's how I feel.

  18. My guess is the reason that he jerks off to the idea and can't get rid of the thoughts is because it was the first time he was naked with another guy, something he'd only been fantasizing about. It wasn't that it was a nude beach and he doesn't need to try and find another nude beach and get his friends to go... that will just lead to more frustratingly unfulfilled fantasies. He needs another gay guy to fool around with.

  19. I think it's ok for him to be interested in being more than just friends with some of those guys but making a move on any of them could be problematic.

    I'd suggest coming up with some subtle signs that he's gay or bisexual to give them a hint and a signal to move if they might be thinking the same thing. It's been my experience that bisexual is more easily accepted by most guys and girls. Again: SUBTLE.

    Maybe just leaving a queer magazine out and just barely visible in his dorm room when someone comes over, or having the on the computer when they come by. If they comment on it, just say yes your bisexual and move on. Let them make the next move.

  20. Sometimes the world isn't nice.
    It's unfair, but what is fair. We all get screwed in one way or another, and have to deal with it.
    When I hit the lottery, I am going to leave town for a few weeks. Anyone want to go with me?
    P.S. We all need a blessing, each and every one of us. We should give thanks to those who serve our country and keep us free. We should pray for them. One day, we will all serve with them.
    For those of you who can, when you see a serviceman, give them a twenty to buy a pizza in this country, or wherever they are being deployed.