Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Sellers Remorse

I'm not sure if this is the way you guys are but today I kinda think back on what happened (or didn't happen) Monday and am kinda like shit.  That might have been cool.  So if you think I'm sorta neurotic, or chickenshit, or fucked up, the answer is yes to all of the above. I'm just not sure why the remorse thing happens.  Def not into some of the shit that guy was into, but I keep thinking why didn't I just like finger his ass or give him a return bj. Maybe I'm all wrapped up in the images on my blog.  I don't know man sometimes I don't think I'm smart enough to be gay lol.


  1. Dude, I know where you're coming from. Actually, maybe I don't. I've not had any (except jerkin off over the phone) interaction with a guy before. So, the remorse thing I can't say that I know anything about that. Haha!

  2. In my humble opinion your over thinking things. Of course two fingers hurt you weren't mentally prepared. If you are not completely relaxed and can't trust the person your with you are not going to enjoy it.

  3. oldBob says...
    Actually, when I read your last few entries describing Monday I thought oh man, poor Scott. A sex encounter with a hot stranger is supposed to be fun and this one was not fun. I, and I am sure everyone else who is honest, has been there. I've definitely walked out of a hook up mumbling something like, "yeah, let's get together again" and we both knew how that was never going to happen again. Don't dwell on it, just chalk it up to experience and move on.

    As far as not being into everything he was into, well so what? The whole thing about sexual attraction is that its individual. Some things you are never going to enjoy or even want to do at all.

    I think that you should ignore all the advice, even mine, as well intentioned as it may be and do what you think is right for you. Some guys have a whole list of activities that you have to check off, like its a pentathlon or something. First, get sucked, second suck, third get rimmed, fourth, rim, fifth fuck, sixth (OK I KNOW I SAID PENTATHLON BUT WHATEVER) then get fucked. Like you have to get your card punched to qualify for what exactly? I know a lot of guys that identify as gay, myself included, who NEVER RIM. I can hear SJ going thud to the floor in a dead faint, but its not my thing. I know some guys that only like mutual masturbation and they are gay. Point is, do what you want and don't do what you don't want to.

    Sorry for the bloating, must be channeling Rush.

  4. You have years of have a stigma on what you are thinking of doing to over come, and your not going to do that with just one finger up your ass, it's going to take time, and a bigger finger (a finger about the size of a large cock should do the trick.)

  5. Ok Scott so you chickened out, you're a chicken. Once you deal with that, then you will be able to decide if you like fucking guys.

  6. Lets not play head games with Scott. There are a lot of guys out there who are in the same boat.
    The best advise I can give to you is, be good to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. It's not worth that journey. I don't think meeting a guy just for sex is ever really good. If you do and you do, your pleasure is getting off and his pleasure is the same. It's done. You leave. Bingo. You have been satisfied. If you go in with certain expectations and they don't work out, so what.
    When you had the feeling that you were going to pee. I think that blew you away. You were loosing control of the situation and embarrassment would follow. You stood in front of the urinal and had time to think. You did not want to go back into that scene. What you can do to feel better is, send the guy an email and tell him, I'm new to this,sorry, but thanks. I hope to work this thing out. That's all. You have only had a physical connections and you have not met your own expectations. It's like, you took an exam and failed. How can you feel good about that.
    P.S. The funny thing is, you are looking to explore and find yourself with your feelings. Most guys all around the world, who read your blog think about bedding you.
    Fantasy is cool, but emotions are much better. More concrete. I prefer the emotions, and yet, they are kinda scary.

  7. Scott, you've had a not-great hookup, it happens to us all. Oh, well, just think of the great hookups that await you in the future! Someone, somewhere will make your eyes roll around in your head, doing something that your and him are really into. Can't wait to read that post. Just you wait, buddy.

  8. I think you hooked up with a guy that was way more into things and you need to find someone who will take it slow and easy. Forget about the fingers up the ass. Try a tongue instead. Way better, trust me.

  9. Scott after I finished reading the last part, I was pretty disappointed 4/U. Def not a cool experience. If you choose to give it another go, I hope you have better luck next time bro. Something tells me under the right circumstances and the right guy, u'll find what ur lookin 4.

    Ltr. Bro.

  10. When I came out, of the woods of Montana and found the gay community underground there, I did not even know men had anal sex. Can you imagine? In one of my first experiences, the guy had me stick it into him, it was dark in the room, kinda confused as to why it was such a big deal. Was it the position? It was OK, but I could take it or leave it. I liked just being close and communing with a guy, frotage, and everything else was so hot. I remained not anally oriented at all, topping or bottoming, whatever, neah. For years and years I was satisfied.

    This confused people, when they would ask "what you into", they were surprised that I did not want to go anal. Deep massage and intimate hugging, making out, were a large part of the experience of connecting with and to the other person(s) in the room, even if it was only to be a one time deal. Several of them, in fact were surprised that what we did was fulfilling, and they liked it for a change of pace, and many of my friends experienced the same kind of relationship to anal sex that I did, not all of them but a good number.

    Then I turned 30 and some kind of hormonal shift kicked in, click, all at once. My nipples went from fat-boy innies to stand-out outies, and all I wanted to do for about 6 to 8 months was to get fucked up the butt. Just had to have it and have it NOW. And when can we do that again? There were no other emotional catalysts for it... Took me by total surprise. Then as quickly as it came over me, I went back to being more of myself, but now I was versitile and it had its place as a sexual option bout 50/50, but not the main thrust of the experience. (I know, pun intended) Then finally after a few more months I explored rimming etc. Which was/is all fine, but also not a singular act for me personally.

    What I am trying to say with all this blather is: We are all wired a bit differently, and even wired differently at different times in our lives. And you can have a wonderful and creative, fulfilling sex life, for well over 10 years as I did, without ever having the urge to bottom. Not even be driven to mark it off a check list of forbidden acts. As other examples, I have friends that due to wiring or meds or socialization, can only come while being fucked to tears. Others will only jack with someone, gay or straight, and call it a day, touching or not.

    This bouquet of human interaction is what pleases us, as we connect to the male sexual experience/energy and learn to communicate who we are with our partners, for a life time or a one (night) stand. (God that sounded kinda new-age-y didn't it? but you know what I mean)

    So do whatcha wanna do and chill out!

    Your Stimulus Package (Seattle)

  11. Scott, a lot of great advice here (including family advice). Get an escort, set parameters, and explore at your own pace. Make it about Scott -and then decide what you want. The 300 bucks ( your city may vary) I would think would be the best therapy money you could spend to find out more about you. The alternative is endless strange encounters where either party is not sure over the other's intentions. Best 300 bucks you will ever spend!

  12. Artful l and Your Stimulus Package (Seattle),
    From someone who is still learning, thank you.
    You have given something to all of us.
    Damn, it is good!

  13. bj, thanks bud, I meant to add that I know in my own experiences (sexual and otherwise), if an experience bummed me out, I tried to find some positive aspect to it. I hopefully learned something, something about me and something about others, and I've had some way shitty sexual experiences. Hey, I know I still have a looong way to go!
    Scott's personal experience has truly become a learning experience, just read all the comments on this blog, thanks guys!

  14. Maybe it's just the guilt of cheating on your wife that's making you feel bad.
    (Sorry, someone needed to say it)

  15. Scott, you will never be smart enough to be gay, curious straight or bi, is the closet you ever going to become...

    Sorry dude, you don't have it in you ,(no pun intended)

  16. 8.57 Stimulus Package Seattle,
    I especially liked the paragraph, The bouquet of human interaction. New and edgy is cool.
    One day, all the books on sexuality will be re-written. A good title for one would be, The bouquet of human interaction!
    P.S. Everyone should give themselves a treat and visit Montana.

  17. Good gay sex (the kind you seem to be looking for) is all about TRUST and DESIRE and the balance between the two. Since you didn't know the guy you really didn't have either..If you trust and desire someone, you let go, and in this case you might have ended up with more than a finger or two. I am going to bet that when it does happen for you, it will be great!

    And then we will have to think up something new to talk about LOL

  18. Benchpecs says.....

    Sorry it didn't go so well, but hey … you'r learning.

    I lived the straight life for most my life then got divorced at 40 and switched teams. I think I kind of know what your going through. There were a lot of walls I had to break down. I think many of us are socialized to think a certain way about men. Men don't kiss, only fems suck or bottom. (If I knew then how many masculine muscle studs bottom I would have switched teams a lot earlier)

    I had a few awkward initial hook ups. I didn't know the ropes, was self conscious, and literally didn't even know of some of the moves. (I had no idea what ass play was) But over time the walls came down. You need to go into it with an open mind an be open to experimentation. Some things you might not like that much the first few times you do them... and learn to love and crave them overtime.

    The biggest enemy of sex (boner killer) is intellectual thought. So if you are sucking a dude and thinking “do I like this?” OR “I can't believe I am doing this” your head is in the wrong place. You need to let go, and get into that primal sex zone in your head. The animal almost subconscious primal zone.

    You don't have to like everything, but I would encourage you to try everything and try it more than once. Some things are painful or awkward the first few times and then become mind blowing with experience.

    Be open about your lack of experience with your sex partner. I have found most gay men are very understanding, and happy to teach a newbie.

    Regarding two fingers hurting. Some aspects of buthole stimulation, and rough sex is the principal of “it hurts so good”. Sure you're virgin ass needs to be broken in a bit. But if you are sexually stimulated some mild pain turns into pleasure. Frankly a bit of pain can intensify sexual pleasure. So when he had two fingers up your pucker, you should have been stroking … while you are sexually stimulated you have a much higher pain threshold, and as I said the pain signals in your nervous system can actually turn into pleasure signals.

    Regarding the precum you had while he was massaging your prostate. Yeah that's the way it works. I used to have a fuck buddy who was all into pre cum. I tend to leak a lot of precum and am a weightlifter so he liked hooking up with me. He would stick a finger (or two or three) up my ass and work my prostate and get my precum flowing. He loved sucking and drinking the precum. He said precum tastes totally different than cum. Precum is sweet and cum can be a bit bitter. (It depends on what you have eaten). So yeah when a guy works your prostate you leak. And I guess that story about the guy who used to gobble my precum is an example of a gay guy who taught me something I had not know about man sex.

    Go for it, and cheers, Benchpecs

  19. If you want it done right, hire a professional!

  20. SCOTTY,

    Sorry it went bad. ... Do us a favor though, and think what you would be saying if it had gone the way you wanted. (not so hairy, guy wasn't so aggressive, etc.) You'd have just had sex, and communed with a guy in a way u never have b4. I suspect, once you really think about it, you'll realize it was the experience with that GUY not the experience that was bad. ... unfortunately, straight or gay, some hookups just suck.

    What can we say, other than "get back in there & pitch one more inning!"


  21. Maybe I'm taking this in a whole different way, but I use have a very similar feeling even after bad hookups. My feelings were just that: feelings. As logical, reasonable, and intellectual as I pride myself being; I am still human and therefore an emotional being. Emotions are like a check engine light in your car. It's time to look under the hood. What I found under there was a core need for masculine interaction and intamacy (brotherhood, fraternity). Short story: I needed guy friends I could count on. Benefits would be nice too but not necessary. Take a look under your hood to see what you felt you lacked. It may be something completely different from sex.

  22. Scott forget remorse, experience what you want to experience and learn what you can from those experiences, P