Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Guilt

I’m gonna keep this short cuz I can’t even face this topic.  Ya there’s guilt.  Ya it sucks.  Ya I’m in denial.  Ya I wish I didn’t feel like this.  Ya I get scared.  I’m the way I am man.  So are you.  Sometimes it sucks.  Fuck I hate this topic.  Just thought you guys should know where I come from.

20 comments:

  1. Guilt is merely the SuperEgo exerting its dominance over your ID...Hows that for psycho-babble? Go grab a beer, think some impure thoughts about your wife, grab your crotch and you'll feel all is good in the world.

    Just teasing you of course and hope you are doing okay.

    -BosGuy

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  2. As any qualified therapist or counselor will advise, there is nothing to fix in "normal". Guilt is normal. The only remedy is truth.

    Most relationships will not weather that sort of truth so you have decisions to make and options that require deception.

    You have a mistress. He happens to be a man (men). There is nothing new in that equation except as it relates directly to you, your wife and your children.

    If you can manage your life as many do with discretion and if your partners always understand their role and if you can avoid disease that would bring ruin to your family... fuck on.

    You are not the first. You certainly won't be the last. Just understand what you are doing to everyone concerned and get on with life in a honest and truthful way so guilt won't consume you.

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  3. everyone deals with guilt in their own way, anyone have any tips, or results of long term guilt?

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  4. Not that it is going to make it easier, but you can bet that your friends, who you have a beer with are doing something, too. It's normal. It is not going to change for you or go away. It's going on all over the world. Fortunately, you have brought it to the internet where other guys can share your experience(s) and learn from it. I would be that you have learned from the replies.
    Bi-sexuality is also in women. It is quite common. In some instances married women would also like to be with another woman. Why not a married man being with another man.
    I also believe that we are programmed at a very early age and somewhere into our adulthood that desire surfaces. It does so, because we have gone beyond thinking about it and acting about it.It's important that you like yourself. Your life will be much better and so will the lives of your family. What is important is, you must practice safe sex.
    The picture you have posted. If any gay, or bi guy walked into a sauna and saw that guy sitting there, they would be on him. I would also bet, that if any straight guy walked in and saw that guy sitting there, he would wonder what it would be like to be him! Yes, that straight guy would be attracted to that beautiful body. If anyone says, no they would not, they are lying!
    A poem has a verse or two or three. A book has many chapters and we are living those chapters. We are making those chapters, and that's what we do.
    bj
    p.s.
    I hope this helps. I am seeing on cl, where married guys are curious and acting on it. They are out there and they want to know what it's like. It's like contact sports, but now we are not wearing any cloths. Neither player is a looser. Both players get a touchdown, pleasure with ejaculation. What better bonding is there than that?
    Thanks for the opportunity to have some input. I sincerely hope it helps.

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  5. "If you can manage your life as many do with discretion and if your partners always understand their role and if you can avoid disease that would bring ruin to your family... fuck on"

    You need to pay attention to what this poster just said. This sums up the dilema and there are a lot of "ifs" in this statement. I happen to work with a man who has AIDS. He used drugs as a teenager and that was the result. He happens to be married to a woman that he met through his Infectious Disease physician. She, too has AIDS which she received from her "bisexual" husband. They have an adopted son. That family lives everyday with the results of bad choices.

    Be certain you know what you're doing and have considered your choices carefully. If you think you feel guilty now, you do not want to face something like this. Dammit but you need to be careful.

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  6. You cannot deny the power of the cock. You will bow down to it. There is nothing you can do.

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  7. Anon 956,
    That is bullshit.

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  8. What would take you out of denial, seroconverting to positive? Taking it further, say, you then are in therapy. What do you think a therapist might say? Maybe, "You should have been truthful to your spouse." "You should have thought about the consequences." "You put your feelings above hers, without disregard to the consequences." "There are ramifications to each act you do."

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  9. In my opinion, it is important to tease out guilt and shame. Guilt is what we feel when we have done something wrong, something that we have committed to not doing. Shame is what we experience when we believe that I am wrong in my being.

    Shame is what is used in primitive cultures to enforce community standards. It still works that way for us, though we have a huge structure of written law. But shame attaches to all sorts of strange things, like doing well! It also attaches to beliefs about sexuality. For years I felt wrong in my self (often described by gays as 'I knew I was different') because I was attracted to men.

    Shame is more of a slut that any of us ever were; it is always a lie.

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  10. Wharton makes a great point. I am not ashamed that I have a sexual attraction towards men but I do feel guilty for the pain it would cause my wife were she to know how I have behaved. In that sense, guilt can be constructive.

    My priest has a great way of putting it into perspective: Go ahead and have the fantasy. Game it all out in your head. Enjoy the fantasy but don't stop there. Go ahead and imagine how you will feel afterwards when you sit down and have dinner with your wife and kids. That exercise is usually enough to keep me in line.

    I went ahead and cancelled my gym membership yesterday. Just not worth everyone I would hurt and everything I would lose.
    Celt

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  11. Celt
    Your priest sounds like a keeper (and god knows we haven't heard about many of those lately). It will be a struggle. Np getting around that. But what you gain at the end of that long day-the respect and love of your family- will have been worth it. May they realize someday how hard you worked for them

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  12. Thanks, Anon 12:35. He is a good man who I think understands the struggle. That is a great comfort. For the present, I am focused on a little personal rehab. You guys here are a great help to me.
    Celt

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  13. To Celt,
    Recognizing that there are relationships in our lives that rise above our private needs is a huge step. HUGE! Shake that priests hand and thank him for his support and take to heart the things he shares. A mentor is a very hard person to come by and when he or she delivers difficult and challenging realizations it is even more challenging to reflect on those options and chart a new course. Were I able to give a huge hug through the interweb of tangled issues and complicated dialogue I would wrap my big bear arms around your big shoulders and say stay strong. Making the right choices is always a challenge and it is a daily path. Your mentor is a keeper for sure. Don't stray far from that voice of common sense. If it resonates... its right!

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  14. Anon @2:55 - Do you have a news letter? I would like to subscribe!
    Celt

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  15. Well I don't have any guilt on liking to take the salami, and I have no guilt at all saying this dude has a nice great cock and bush to go with it... that a boy, don't trim it either.

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  16. I feel like we all need to clap, and get up from the circle and give you a group hug.

    But, seriously, it's honest. Those are the feelings we get. Sometimes they're not helpful, sometimes they are what we need to keep us in line.

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  17. To Celt, and to those that responded to Celt:

    Thanks for that perspective, and thanks to your priest too!

    It just so happens that this is a cross I was given to bear, for whatever reason, be it my own choices or not, but for my wife and my kids, I will bear it for them, as long as I live.

    Now, I get why this blog exists. It makes that 'burden' a little lighter. Truly, as one Beatle sang, "I get by with a little help from my friends".

    Thanks to Scott, Celt, and those that are in the same boat. Will enjoy this blogride as long as I can.

    -Tapper

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  18. Tapper,
    Thanks for building us all up. May we all do the same for you.
    Celt

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  19. Celt, you're welcome. You already do.

    Tapper

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  20. Celt,
    If I had a newsletter you'd get a free subscription. Alas, all I can offer is a bit of wisdom passed along from a guy halfway through life struggling along just like the rest of the men I meet. I just learned a long long time ago that the people I love are more important than the temporary satisfaction of fleeting moments of pleasure. Good luck to you in your journey. Be well. Be loved.

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