Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Sex v Love

One of the hottest topics we talk about on this blog (check out the comments from my first blog on this string if you don’t believe me) is the issue of how love and labels factor into this.  I’m not in this for love.  I’m in this for sex.  I don’t want to meet a guy and fall in love with him.  I don’t even really wanna kiss him.  I never kissed a guy.  No desire to I don’t think.  To me sex with a man is like a sporting event.  Physical and borderline violent.  One victor.  I know that’s not the way the gay world sees it but I wasn’t brought up in a gay world and the only education I get is from you fuckers.  I always been curious though – I wonder if any of my curious readers take the gay plunge, then find out they have feelings for the dude. 
Next - labels and how they kicked my ass when I started blogging

28 comments:

  1. Yep. I'm the guy who asked about dealing with the guilt. I've only done stuff online, but developed feelings even then . Guess I'm really more gay than you. If I ever do it for real, idk what would happen to my "picture perfect" life.

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  2. I'm a gay man, and have been in an LTR with another man where sex was an expression of love. I also have "recreational sex" which is just like you describe: a physical sporting event. Although they both involve an orgasm, when in the "making love" kind of sex, I'm more concerned about my partner's pleasure than my own. When I'm having recreational sex, my focus is on my own orgasm. It's more self-serving.

    DAL in Michigan

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  3. For 6.50 anonymous
    It so happens that people can develop feelings online. One can also develop feelings through writing letters. We are communicating with a different form, the pc. Getting emotionally involved will bring you a new experience in life. I think that the emotional feelings is what makes us human. It's bonding and part of the human fabric. It's also learning. I don't know what the odds are of that emotional feeling being returned. I guess that's where ltr and nsa come in to play.
    Is it possible to have the best of two worlds?
    Have a good one.
    bj.

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  4. My feelings exactly...literally...word for word. This is my first comment on your blog. I have been reading for a while. I am a married guy, two kids, the dog, the career, etc, etc, but I like a guy's cock in my mouth (or vice versa) once in a while. No intimacy, no kissing, no cuddling...just some hot and nasty man-on-man action.

    -T

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  5. Scott you have always told us up front, that you could never have that kind of emotional ties with a dude, and I totally believe you.

    I think you just like some man to man play ever now and then, so I don't even think that makes you bi, I only say that because I am a bi guy, so for me, I can and have fallen in LOVE emotionally with men and women...

    SJ (80%-20%)

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  6. You know I started off the same way that most of you married men have. Just in it for the orgasam, the excitement, the curiosity and fun. Then I befriended a man that I thought was just another sexual experience. After about a month of sexual enjoyment something changed. I actually fell in love with the guy. Head over heel! Now I am just a country boy, never wanted to be "queer", yuk! The way I was raised. How could this happen. That emotional connection between two men I believe is even stronger than the emotional connection between a man and a woman. Actually decided to divorce my wife of 20 years to be with him. Instead I found myself in therapy. He kept saying he did not want to be responsible for me leaving my wife. Today I am still married to the same woman, as far as I know she has no clue of my Bi feeling toward men. I do operate very guarded when enjoying M2M activity. Can't really handle another Emotional Connection with another man. Still think and romanticise about that man, actually still love him but realize he is forbidden fruit. Thanks for letting me share.

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  7. I absolutely believe that gay men can and do fall in love and have a strong, intimate connection on the same level as straight couples. However, I also think that men (both gay and straight) have an easier time separating sex and intimacy - at least most men. Men can just have sex, get off, go their separate ways and be fine. And that goes for men of all sexual orientations. So it makes it easier for men that are married who play on the side to excuse it as just sex. But, with that said I also think that men can and do fall in love with other men even if they aren't wanting to or expecting it. When i met my wife it just kind of happened. I thought she was hot, maybe dateable, then next thing you know I'm married. It's not out of the realm of possibility that the same thing can happen between two men.

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  8. I wasn't brought up "in the gay life" either, unless Mom and Dad have been keeping a bigger secret.


    I think what you might be going for is that some, okay most (really nearly all), men can treat sex as a recreational activity.

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  9. I would also like to add, most men have trouble sharing their emotions. The old saying, big boys don't cry. The forming of intimacy can be very silent. All of a sudden, one day, you are thinking of that guy, and their it begins.
    I had a neighbor, didn't know that he was gay until later in my life. He had a relationship that went 30 years. There are gay guys who have longer lasting relationships that straights.
    What I admire about Scott is, he ventures. Went to the nude park and left his mark. Went to the leather store. Went into a questionable neighborhood. Even had a guy massage him and help him out. I would not be surprised if one day, he lets us know that he has been to San Fran. How can you not admire someone like that. He has beautiful balls, figuratively and probably literally.
    bj

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  10. I have been reading your blog for months & have enjoyed it very much. However I feel I must make points. The first is that none of us grew up in a gay world - we all grew up up in a straight one. Second,as an older gay guy with tons of experience I have noticied a common theme with the "straight or bi" men I have had sex with & I find in your blog. Whenever I have had sex with one of these men they always spend a lot of time trying to convince me they are not gay. They have wives, girlfriends, only do gay sex once in awhile, when they are drunk, etc.,etc. Of course it is not me they are trying to convince, but themselves. Running from their feelings. Part of that usually includes no kissing & at times no touching of ass. These guys have to be "forced to do things". Take their hand put it on my cock, told to go down,etc. The thing that most of these "straight" guys fear is becoming attached to another man. This sems to be the theme of your blog - attracted to men, but running from your feelings. Then trying to wrap yourself around blocked feelings.How much time do you spend chasing women? Thinking about sex with women? I have always found it curious that of all the bi men I have had sex with they ALL had a wife or girlfriend. Where are the bi men that have a gay lover & fuck women on the side? Theoretically they should exist, but I nor have any of my friends run across one. Guess I am saying go with your feelings & stop trying to find excuses.

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  11. Scott I forgot when I made a comment the first time, I also meant to say great pic.

    Every now and then I am in the mood to get a "facial", just have to make sure you close your eyes, DAMN JUNK STINGS, but it kinda of hot literally and figuratively... man some dudes really surprise you, they shoot at rapid speed and distances...lol...

    SJ

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  12. Single guy here. Hooking up with guys and girls. Seems to me that sex with girls always involves feelings and intimacy. Softer and lots of kissing. Now the dudes I've hooked up with, even the "out gay guys" are less in to the "feelings" and just all about the sex. I'm sure there's guys that are more emotional about sex, but maybe it has more to do with age? Maybe older more experienced men both gay and straight express emotion better, there for put more feelings into it. For me I'm just not that interested in "making love" right now, just give me the sport sex, lol, guys or girls!

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  13. I guess what I find interesting about this whole discussion is where the bi/curious/marrieds draw the line when it comes to intimacy. It's different for each individual. Some men say "no kissing, that's where I draw the line" but will let you stick your dick up their ass. Others will say "no anal, that's where I draw the line", but then want to make out, deep and passionately.

    I for one say...why limit yourself...if you're in it for the hot experience...it can include one or the other, or both...or NEITHER. But I prefer to just go with the flow and see what happens.

    I guess this is part of the reason I read your blog Scott. A window into the mind of guys like you (as I tend to be a magnet for the curious). But what I'm learning is that this won't be a "manual" of sorts. Just a manual of Scott's :)

    And, as always, I enjoy the read. Thanks again.

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  14. Straight man=gay sex=gay man. Men who don't identify as gay are probably afraid of that "equation", the perceived idea that a gay man is less of a "man" (real men don't cry, etc. etc,). Our society has fucked us up in many ways, that's why I think this blog is so valuable.
    Artful1

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  15. Here is the difference that I see;

    If I'm wearing a speedo, and gyrating my crotch up against another guy while in a public or semi public area, and there are show tunes or disco/dance music playing loudly in the back ground, that's gay.

    If I have my cock balls deep in my buddy's ass as he is clutching at the sheets in sheer pleasure, and I'm pound away at his ass, that's not so gay. Just because I have sexual activities with other guys, shouldn't lump me totally on the gay side of the equation, I'm human, I have a cock that likes stimulation, and a buddy that likes his ass stimulated.

    I know now, as a straight guy for most of my life, that there are cliches and stereotypes of what a gay man is, and I'm neither of those. So if you want to lump me on the gay side of the equation, then were going to have to redefine what it means to be gay.

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  16. Scott, as a married bi guy...kissing a guy is great, you should try it. I don't fall in love with the guys, they do become friends...and they know my situation before we fool around.

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  17. As for kissing... you have put that off limits because it is reserved for your wife.

    As for loving a man... you have to find the right man (or he has to find you).

    For married men, assuming you can rationalize away your vows, it really isn't much of a stretch to assume you can rationalize fucking or kissing a man as something other than love. You will find comfortable ways to make it possible to feel OK about all sorts of behavior. But when you arrive back home with his cum up your ass and you kiss the wife hello, your brain is going to be in battle you are not prepared to fight.

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  18. Right on Anon 10:34. And Scott, sometimes you tell more than you mean to. "Never kissed a guy. No desire to" but the telling part of the line is when you added "I don't think."

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  19. Have any of the married/bi men considered that there is a reason you are seeking the company of men now? That it has more to do with relationships than you're willing to admit?

    If this was strictly "stimulation" or the need for "nasty" as some have commented, why, as "straight" men, are you not seeking out some young hot woman to provide that "stimulation". They do exist you know. Some of them, too, are looking for NSA.

    The women you choose to be in relationships with or marry are likely not the ones you want or need to get nasty with or even want that kind of relationship with because you, after all, have selected them to bear your children. Wouldn't she somehow be tarnished to you if she was willing to indulge in "pig" sex? Double standard, no?

    On the other hand, in our culture there is nothing wrong with a guy who wants pig sex...Now, once you've overcome your "straight" guy fear of gay men and all things gay, the draw of the wild, man on man action has some appeal after a life time of tepid sex with the types of women you have chosen or maybe those women were as into it when you married but after 20 years a few kids, the bloom is off the rose so to speak. Do you think that if it was 2 men in a 20 year relationship with the responsibilities of career and children and lawn care and illness, things might be the same?

    Some of this, too, may go back to how men are socialized and the relative value that is placed on men in our culture. Woman, for a lot of men=responsibility, family, boring.. while relationships with men= fun, bonding, good times.

    One last very serious question: What would you do it your wives/girlfriends wanted the same thing? NSA, no threat to the relationship. Would it be okay if she saw someone else? Not for dinner and dancing. Just for the thrill of a new, exciting partner once in a while. Would you be okay with it?

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  20. I'm gay. I've been with women before and it was ok...but men are so much more fun sexually. There was a time in my life that I preferred sex with married straight men because it was truely just sex and it wasn't complicated with romance. At that point in my life...I was always horny, but didn't want to be in a serious relationship. The bars annoyed me and sex clubs were too sleazy for me and the internet provides a huge wealth of married guys. One man I met online...we had incredible sex and it was obvious to both of us that our chemistry was intense. We fell in love with each other over a 2 year period and ultimately, he did end up leaving his wife and children. We continued our relationship for another year and then my job took me to another state. We ended our relationship, but we are still good friends and he is now happy in a relationship with a guy that used to be a Catholic priest. And the wierd part...I'm in a relationship with his ex-wife's younger brother. Strange world.

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  21. Scott said,
    I never kissed a guy, don't want to. Don't think. Time will tell. Some guy will bed him and he will be on the bottom and the moaning will begin and then the lips will meet, and it will be a very deep kiss. The right guy will do it.

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  22. I understand Scott's feelings on this; he keeps trying to make it clear and yet we persist. Besides, you never know where those lips have been, right?

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  23. To June 28 @ 5:07 PM

    My wife and I have an agreement: I don't see other women and neither does she.

    We do not claim to be "normal" or uncomplicated but it works for us.

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  24. Anon 1139,
    As long as BOTH parties get a say, I'm all for it! Congratulations.

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  25. As a gay man in a 20 year relationship, it takes work from both partners to keep your sexual interest in each other from waning. We love each other and still have great sex, but it takes commitment and effort. We both have stepped outside the relationship, initially by hiding it, but later, after a lot of couples therapy, openly. Being open about our out-of-relationship dalliances is so much better than lying about it. One of the advantages of gay relationships is our ability to live outside the heterosexual monogamous paradigm that is force fed to us in our American culture, which I think we can agree, rarely works for anyone. We simply aren't wired to be sexually exclusive with one person for our entire lives. Thus the serial monogamy of most of the straight relationships I see.

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  26. i've always approached gay or str8 sex two ways: sex as sport and sex as a means of deepening a relationship. my first sex w/ a man was in 6th grade. for 35 yrs. man sex has always been all sport. recently that all changed. let me just say this...u can have great sex w/ a stranger; you can have lousy sex w/ someone you love. but ALL sex is vastly improved when love is involved. it just is.

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  27. Thumbs up rugbysex! Absolutely true.

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  28. sex sport--romance kills a good fuck buddy. BUT two dudes are really hot for one another, well that is a kind of love, playful and sporty and is no threat to str8 folk or "gay" people. Shame so many guys frown on promiscuity--it think it keeps the tribe in good spirits. I blame protestantism.

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