Tuesday, September 13, 2011

How Different Am I?

I mean like from when I started blogging.  I know I’ve learned stuff. Not to use the expression fag.  What versatile means. The whole labeling thing.  But I mean have I really grown from this blog? I’ve had sex with guys.  But does that make me different? Better? Worse?  When I started blogging, back with “The Gayest Straight Guy”, I was posting like 6 times a day.  I even had a guy write in to tell me to ease up cuz he couldn’t keep up with me lol. So something’s changed.  Wtf? When my blog got clocked by Blogger a couple times I went on a freakin sex rampage. It was like this blog satisfied my man on man needs and when it was gone little Scottie was like wtf?  But I don’t really feel like that anymore.  It’s almost like I needed to take a dip in the pool and now I’m like “ok…cool”.  Is the desire gone? Nah.  It’s just not….idk….always there.  God I’m fucked up.

21 comments:

  1. Scott, you're not fucked up. You just have a lot of different sorts of feelings and desires, and we all have that. We don't always want the same things all the time. Our tastes change. Our needs change. That's just how peeps are. We are all different. You gave yourself a chance to express some new and different feelings on your blog, and you shared them with us, and it has been wonderful. There's nothing fucked up about that. You are asn amazing, cool guy. I am thrilled I got to kow you through your blog. I hope it continues, but if it doesn't, that's ok. It has been great.

    another chick

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  2. Your being "fucked up" has, in turn, helped countless others. The fact that you even have this blog. How many others would even think of, and then put into action, a blog? It's a lot of work, and maybe, the subsequent working through your fears, anxieties has had the unintended consequence of helping so many of us. Or, was it unintended? Whatever, thank you.
    Artful1

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  3. Scott that is the best post you have written, it shows how much you have learned about yourself, and also gives other dudes to take a look at themselves, including myslef..

    You never claimed (as far as I know) that you were anything but a "curious" dude.. So wtf, in the beginning you were like a kid in a candy store, well now you matured and wiser and know a little bit more about yourself, your likes and dislikes....

    In a way you taught us all a lesson (including myslef) not to use certain words in todays world, not to try to hurt other people, etc, etc..

    What I am trying to say buddy is really, Thanks for that parargraph, you sent us today...

    Oh by the way, I am only human and I love cock so thanks for the pic..

    SJ

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  4. NOT fucked up, Scott. Perhaps grown up, perhaps not. Maybe the pressure's off. Your curiosity is satisfied to some extent. Maybe that will be enough. Maybe it will be enough for some good length of time. Maybe it won't.
     
    The big take-away, as far as I see it, is that you know you can take steps to get it into control short of a gay sex extravaganza. Not casting aspersions on the extravaganza but I don't think that's what you're looking for. It's about learning how to control it rather than it controlling you.
     
    A few days ago a commentor said something that made a lot of sense: "if what you want is self-destructive, then it's not healthy to succumb to it" He likened it to alcoholism. Unless you're prepared and WANT to make some fundamental changes in how you live your life, you'd do well to reflect on that. Lots of people have wants and needs that cannot be accomodated in the life they've chosen. You need do decide what you really want and need to be happy. Then find the tools that help you acheive what you want.
     
    D

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  5. You are not messed up dude, on the contrary you are normal. Possible it's how your perceptions have changed... like you say "it's always there"... and it always was and will be... the difference is that you acted out of some of your fantasies and have fed the beast within (rofl). Don't worry he'll be hungry again.

    quietman

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  6. No, you're not fucked up, Scott. You've grown to understand yourself a little bit better and to understand what drives the same-sex urges; learning to accept them. You've also learned you aren't so different from hundreds of thousands of men. Accomplishing those things has a tendancy to lift some of the weight from your shoulders and you stop obsessing over it so much.

    Your reward: Now you'll be able to enjoy the male attraction more instead of spending your time obsessing over sex with guys. Bottom line, I guess, it's as Anon @ 2:57 said: It no longer controls you.

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  7. Different? We all are.... And you're no more different now that you were before your first blog started. Experienced? Yes. Different? No.

    You've learned a lot -- we all have. And thank you for that. Any civilized (well, mostly) exchange of ideas is a learning experience. And you've broadened your horizons a bit. That doesn't make you different, either -- just more experienced. You've probably learned that there are things you like and things you don't. How is that any different from trying broccoli or okra or smoked eel?

    Probably most importantly, you (and we) have learned to respect other people's feelings and points of view. That makes the world a better place. Too bad our politicians are so closed minded.

    ~ GaySatyr

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  8. Scott,

    This metacognition is going to compromise your dumb jock persona!

    DP

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  9. Scott,
    Guess what? You are fucked up! Guess what? So is the rest of this society! Sit back and enjoy the ride!
    Only you know where you want to go. If some of us can be of help, let us know. I don't know of anyone who doesn't get down in the dumps once in a while. Today, on tv, there were comments about the people of this country getting depressed because of this guy in the WH. The economy is in the dumpster. Unemployment is through the roof. Unemployment is higher in some areas than what is reported. It seems the whole system has gotten fucked up in the last couple of years. Guess what? The world seems to be getting fucked up! Join the club.
    Try and sit back and say, fuck it! I'll go with the flow, but I don't have to buy it. You have choices.
    About you, about your life, If you are happy at your job, that's a plus. If everything is going well at home, that too is a positive plus. Count all that is positive in your life and in your work. Count what is negative. Try and find the balance. That which is right, is good. That which is not right, will have to be dealt with.
    Your blog. You have control of that. Keep it going, or close it down. That's it. If you think that you need this blog as an outlet, that is your choice. All of us at one time or another have shared out emotions on this blog. You seem to be doing it too.
    I have emailed you twice when you were thinking of closing it. I wish you the very best. Hang in there. Tomorrow will be a better day. Make a nice day for someone!!
    I won't make a funny in closing, saying, those ten things you posted. Keep them in mind. Damn, you have given me some ideas. I hope that made you smile.
    Last week, I said to myself. I will not be posting on this blog again. Just goes to show you. Glad that I checked in. Be good. Be safe. Most importantly, be happy. It's a beautiful time of the year. The sun is shinning. The colors are changing. The water is receding. Columbus is on the ocean again, headed our way. October, is just around the corner, and I hope that you don't need viagara!!
    You are some beautiful piece of work my good man.
    bj

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  10. I would like to add something else. I can see where this blog satisfied your need. In ways, it also satisfied mine. It was, and is an outlet, but there is something else, that physical human contact that you want! That touching, that satisfying experience. A blog helps, but it is not the end all. In some respects, the blog adds to the desire! With the blog, you can temper the desire, without it, I think that it would grow itself, which would make you want to act on it. You're normal. Just fucked up like the rest of us in this world we live in.
    Treat yourself to a gift, or buy a gift for someone. Make a donations to a worthy cause, like an animal shelter. That's it, adopt a dog. A lab would be a good choice. Its tail is always wagging.
    Take care,
    bj.
    Bye.

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  11. Not having followed this blog from the start, I wouldn't know if you've changed. But I am curious, why did this blog got clocked twice?

    jon

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  12. therefore the term CURIOUS lol YOU WERE and now you're not so much.... COACH

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  13. Scott,

    Each day that I find this blog, is another day of blessing for me. Time changes all of us and each day you grow in some way. Having sex with guys does not make you better or worse. It DOES make you different from a lot of people but not much from the people who read your blog! I did not know you went on sex rampages when your blog was down. Now you are older (LOL) so perhaps your curiosity is more satisfied. YOU ARE NO MORE FUCKED UP THAN I AM....then again, do you want ME to be your standard?

    DP

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  14. SJ,

    You reflect my thoughts well.

    DP

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  15. yeah, you`ve changed a lot, well beyond those little things about labeling and all... I have followed the first blog, then the second and now this one, coming and going from time to time. I fantasized about having sex with you like I do sometimes with the waiter of the restaurant next door (I like straight guys). You seem to be more at ease with yourself and sex itself now. You seem to accept yourself more than before. You didn`t lost your sense of humor, thou, which is a clear sign of maturity. Thanks again. From Brazil.

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  16. Scott,

    The other day I realized that NONE of the other sites I visit give me what SJT gives me. And that is going to be my loss. Then I realized that you probably don't have the benefit of what SJT (i.e. you) gives all of us. You build it and you engage with us, and I know that you have benefitted from those exchanges.

    But if you could just click on the link every day like we do and experience what we experience, without having to be the builder of that experience, then maybe you could see that you are not fucked up, and not alone. Thanks for leading us along through the journey – your journey and ours.

    Most appreciated, and enjoyed,
    Paul

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  17. Paul,
    Well said. My sentiments exactly. Paul, you have just helped in making my day a better day.
    bj

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  18. This attraction for guys that we all have is just part of who we are. Sometimes it takes over a higher percentage of who we are but at least for me, most of the time goes down in percentage also. I have a life, a marriage, children, a job and so many more things that vie for the majority of who I am all the time.
    I have found that I can put this attraction on the back burner for a while but it always comes back when whatever else that is demanding my time lessens. I am also older than you, Scott, so I do feel I have less time to experience what I would like to do. Life is always changing and we have to go with the flow to enjoy it.

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  19. Scott, we all have to discover our sexuality, gay straight or bi. I do think it is more difficult and confusing for bi guys in the middle. I do think you need to "let go" more. I think you need to stop listening to what society and your up bringing told you. In an earlier post you stated

    " I was brought up thinking man to man sex was bad. Deviant. Like there’s something sexually wrong with you"

    Well we all were brought up that way. You have to let it go. In the past you have said there were specific things you wouldn't do and didn't want... including falling in love with a guy. I think you are like I used to be. I was afraid of my attraction to men. I just wanted to try the shallow end but was afraid of the deep end. I think you need to put aside your fears and just go for it and experiment. This think won't go away, and frankly the more you suppress it the stronger it will get. Experiment and discover what is right for you. You have to turn off the old tapes of what your upbringing and the society has told you. This is not a personal criticism of Scott... we all have to go through that.

    Benchpecs

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  20. Thanks for everyones comments, I agree with most but I think MaleDUDE said it best!

    Great Blog, keep Blogging and Discovering Scott.

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