Friday, March 30, 2012

The Jerk Off

Some of my favorite vid clips are guys just jerking off. Not sure why.  Maybe cuz it’s like peeking in to the forbidden zone. Or maybe I just wanna compare techniques. Idk.  But if you watch there are some things that are common in every guy.
The Start Up – we all start with a slow easy motion
The Stare – we look at it like if we take our eyes off it it’s gonna get away
Overdrive – your hand slowly builds up enough speed to power 3 Indy cars.  At the same time.
The Lift – can anyone tell me why we lift our hips up as we’re about to cum?  Do we think our fist is gonna forget what to do?
The Agony – most dudes look like they’re fighting off the Orks of Mordor when they’re getting close to coming.  I, however, have the ever-distinguished monkey face.
The Head – after the first 2 or 3 squirts the head gets thrown back violently. That’s why its important to lay down when you spank it so you don’t crack a vertebrae.
The Eyes – roll back in our head in a way that would make Linda Blair proud
The Quiver – that’s the great thing about an orgasm. You don’t just feel it in your dick or nuts, you feel it all over. 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Same Thing

Ok I get it.  I read the comments.  You want details. To be honest right now I’m not ready to go there. One commenter asked if it was like a kiss you give your dad. Um…ya.  Cept it was body to body.
And open mouth.
And we were naked.
In the shower.
And it happened like 5 more times before I left.
And I creamed the sheets.
But otherwise ya. Pretty much the same.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Shit Curious Guys Need To Know

Ok ya so I kissed a guy.  And it was a pretty big deal.  Its not like I was afraid to kiss a guy. I never had for the same reason I never ran a triathalon.  It just didn’t interest me. But I met up with a guy who, idk, I just seemed to connect with. Like right from the start. I’m not gonna get into all kinds of detail right now. Maybe sometime later. But here’s the thing I want other curious guys to know. This is gonna sound weird. When you make out with a chick its like your doing it to get in her pants right? I mean not every chick you kiss you’re gonna poke. But be honest you’re hoping right? But now lets say you’re with a guy. And oh ya you’re both already naked so kissing isn’t gonna seal the deal.  There’s no agenda.  It happens. And man I’ll tell you it’s NOTHING like kissing a chick. There’s stubble.  And the embrace feels TOTALLY different.  I mean it’s almost like a whole different species. You break it off and at first you’re kinda like wtf?  But it’s cool. Really cool. If I was a great scientist the kiss would have been the only thing different about the hook up.  That way I could have known the impact of it after I left. But a lot more went on than that. I walked out thinking ok I hit the highwater mark on man to man sex (NO – we didn’t fuck).  Like I said I’ll tell you more sometime. But I just wanted to let you know.  Kissing a guy can be cool.  

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Whole Fuckin Intimacy Thang

Back when I was in college me and a few buddies went on a road trip down south. One of my buddies bought a ho. Afterward he told us all about what happened.  And what didn’t happen.  It was cool cuz I never talked to anyone who bought a ho before. One thing he told us was that the 1 rule she had was no kissing.  Said something about how she didn’t want to make it intimate. 
ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?  Bitch is gonna take his rod in her pussy and she’s worried about being intimate?  I remember him saying how he didn’t give a fuck cuz making out wasn’t what he was there for lol. But that really stuck with me.
So why am I telling you this?  I kissed a guy.  My first one.  And there’s a lot I wanna tell my curious bros about this shit. I’ll do that in the next post. 

Friday, March 16, 2012

…But Can It Pour A Good Martini?

Maybe it’s me but it seems like every man looking for sex is at least 7 inches long.  I don’t have a ton of experience but I know I’ve only messed with 1 guy who has a genuine horsecock.  So why is it that we feel the need to lie about our size.  You always hear that it’s not the meat it’s the motion.  Hey look I’m not putting anyone down – I’m the asshole who posts every oversized dong I can find on my fuckin blog lol. Maybe it’s cuz as American’s we gotta be bigger and better than everyone.  Maybe Euros don’t give a shit about their size.  All I know is we all care, gay or straight, how we measure up strolling thru the locker room.  Hey gotta go.  Time to take my Enzite!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Who Do We Piss On

Observationally, here’s what I’ve learned:
Straight women love gay men
Straight men love gay women when their having sex with other gay women, but not when they beat them in a game of hoops
Gay women love other gay women, and they like straight women but think their choice of sexual partners is fucked up
Straight women like gay women in this whole sisterhood thang
Straight men are warming up to gay men but have a long way to go before they feel like they can be friends with a gay man without having their sexuality called into question
Bi men, by definition, like everyone
I have no idea if there’s such a thing as a bi-woman, but if there is, I’m sure she’s pretty popular – especially on weekends!
Gay women are still trying to figure out exactly what purpose straight men have on the planet that a dildo and sperm bank can’t fill
Straight women like straight men because we fill them up in the bedroom and they can run our lives outside the bedroom
Straight men love straight women.  But only the one’s who get us off.  Unless we’re drunk.  Then really any of them make us happy. 
Gay women like straight women but don’t understand why they don’t get it. 
Gay men for the most part have me baffled.  Some like other gay men as long as they meet their notion of what a gay man should be.  If he doesn’t he’s a queen or a bitch or a flamer or god knows what else.  Some gay men like straight men, partly from a sexual perspective (insert cherry ass joke here), partly from a how-can-we-be-built-so-much-the-same-but-like-such-different-things perspective.  I gave up on the whole gay man/bi man relationship long ago! I mean I always thought it was like the relationship between blue and aqua but from this blog I realizes some blue’s don’t even recognize the existence of aquas!